Each `human heart` (person) in a blended family will have, from time to time, a person in their new family with whom they will be upset, hurt by, even angry for some reason, whether justified or often not.It is often common when a child in new blended family thinks of a non-biological parent (step-parent) as `hating them`, or `being unfair` or even using those famous words 'you`re not my Mom/Dad!'.
It also could be a situation where one `ex` works to undermine a relationship with a bio child, or `reaches into` the new blended families home with comments about the home, the new marriage, or most serious of all, manipulating the minds of a child about your new spouse or family situation.
Could also be a `child` lashing out in a disrespectful moment, an `ex` trying to steal a special time with a child, or the new spouse rising up in anger in front of the children... are all moments where trouble may brew situations arise are all sadly common and damage the new family.
Clearly we all experience these in blended families. Commonly our human weakness is to blame, point the finger at someone, speak ill of them, throw up our hands and say `I quit`, or even saying things that can`t be taken back...all common or natural human reactions.
If this is you as an adult or child...don`t beat yourself up... you have about 120 million fellow Americans in the same situation and slipping up the same as you. :-) A Pastor / Author / Conference Speaker close friend and colleague, Dr. Dan Erickson http://www.greateryes.com
once shared with us one of the most powerful comments as to these situations.
Powerful words. Think on this. If we could view the situation, or the `human heart`, as Christ does as He looks down upon us from Heaven...might we pause...feel sorry and hurt for the person acting out or spewing hurtful words?
Might our new 'Christ-like' perspective cause us to act, speak and behave differently? If we could see these situations as God does, those hurtful words, comments or actions might be viewed as stemming from some wound deep in the heart.
Pray and ask God to give us 'new eyes that see' and `new ears that hear` the real situation inside the heart of the other...and not just their outward behavior. Blended families face challenges often because of mis-interpretation of a look or a word.
God knows the truth. We believe families can grow to be `bonded` if they `look up` and `trust` in a God who can handle all situations, overcome common barriers, climb most of the mountains and slay all the giants.
It is not easy always, but only through God can a step-family go from `broken to blended to Bonded`.
At The Bonded Family http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ we work with individuals and families and see hundreds of situations like this every year.
We always stop, pray, ponder and ask God to let us 'see with new eyes' to help the family work through the dynamic relationship world of blended families.
1 comment:
I have been married 10 years and my husband has children previous to our marriage. Two daughters. I have a son previous to marriage. My husband was unfaithful early on in our marriage with the mother of the two girls. The girls call me mom but their mother makes them feel guilty so they are not able to communicate with me on the phone so the only time I talk to them is when we see them on breaks. The mother has done disappearing acts for years at a time so that has strained the relationship, but now they are consistently in our life. I have no relationship with them except monitary. The girls blatently disrespect me when they are visiting. I am struggling because i am starting a business and I do not feel that my husband's children should be passed down the business only our children living with us. I feel like a non-exsistent entity except when money is involved and the girls give me a hard time. I feel my husband and their mother should work together and leave something for them. It just makes me feel stupid and used because I feel I am constantly being challenged to be the bigger person. I do not want to provide for his girls in that way, I dont know if that is my responsibility. Leaving our houses in all the kids names I am comfortable with, we worked together they should share in that. Starting my own business and leaving it to all the children I dont feel I should be obligated to do that. The mother and my husband need to do that. They have a mother and Father who provides for them I am the step-parent and am treated that way. My son has no other father but my husband he lives with us he is his only father. The girls have a mother (who is active in their life and loves them) therefore I dont feel like I am responsible for their future and well being in the way that I am with the children living with us. I am not apart of that dynamic in anyway (I feel, my husbands relationship with his girls are separate and apart from our family). Please help I am in tormoil over this and I feel like I am constantly plagued, I feel I can not see the situation rationally due to the infidelity. I also feel like I can not totally heal due to constantly having to keep sharing and sewing and I want something apart from the girls and their mother. They have a separateness from me. I just dont understand why I have to give so much of myself and my husband is reaping benefits and their mother as well. I have forgiven my husband but I have not been able to totally heal cause I am constently challenged in these areas. What are the boundaries how much responsibility do I have to have when I am not even apart of their family dynamic?
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